Can i not drive my cunt home
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize