Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
