you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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