instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
