So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
