having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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