If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
