ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
