Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I want to be your penis for a week.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
