i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
