The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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