Swine flu is the new snow day.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
