Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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