I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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