I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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