There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
