My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
