even my farts smell like vagina
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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