i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
