Nicole vs. Life
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
