what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
