I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We have so much sex to catch up on
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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