I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My vagina is officially offended.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
