whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
