maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
