im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
