theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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