i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
