It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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