i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize