she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
