Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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