Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
