Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize