Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
