my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
