I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize