you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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