please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
