I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
