Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
