So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sext me about skeletons
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He did a backflip because drugs
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
