I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
being pregnant is like rehab
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize