last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
