It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
