Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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