Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize