Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize