everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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