Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
