Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
