3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
