No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
