just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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