Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
