I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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