I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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