I cannot find my penis.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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