The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
