Having a random hookup so left but love u
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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