Your mouth is God's brothel.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
