hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
