You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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