I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
