So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
