I'm so fucking centered right now
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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