I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How does it feel to date your dad?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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