Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
